INTEGRITY AND THE IMPACT OF LYING IN A MARRIAGE

Marriage is a promise of honesty, trust, and commitment. It is a covenant that surpasses all other earthly commitments. But what happens when that trust is broken?

Some people resort to lying to conceal their actions to keep their spouse from knowing they have wronged them. Deep down, they understand that their behavior constitutes a betrayal, yet they are driven by a desire for their spouse to see them in a favorable light, so they put on a facade, consequently choosing to deceive.

In some cases, they may even deceive themselves, rationalizing their actions and avoiding the need to fully confront their mistakes. They tell themselves they are a good person, and surely what they are doing is justified for one reason or another.

Your spouse might hold you responsible for their actions, claiming you deserve it for various reasons, or even suggest that you incited their dishonesty. They could also gaslight you, attempting to convince you that you're imagining things.

Gaslighting is simply a psychological manipulation that causes another person to question their own reality. If your spouse can get you to believe that it is your perception of things that is the problem, they can manipulate you into dropping the subject and just sweeping it under the rug.

This works well on someone who does not trust their own judgment. However, gaslighting is usually accompanied by a lie. When someone tries to gaslight me, I immediately look for the lie and ask them what they are hiding.

Ultimately, a person who would manipulate you into believing a lie is a dishonest person. Your spouse may prefer that you perceive the facade they present rather than their true selves, as they fear that their genuine nature may not be acceptable to you. And maybe it wouldn't be. This is where you might try to be more openminded and forgiving, but never allow yourself to be manipulated!

A spouse may deceive to hide guilt or shame, particularly if they're trying to mask a bad habit. They may lie to prevent you from realizing that their heart isn't fully with you or that they secretly engage in activities they shouldn't behind your back.

People lie to protect their own reputation. Trust me, I know this one well! I had someone change the entire course of my life by telling a lie, a lie that lasted for many years.

It may be hard to admit when it's someone we love, but the truth is, a person who lacks integrity is a person who can't be fully trusted.

A lie can feel like a punch in the gut.

Some people carry on the lie, hoping their spouse will never know their secrets. But when you have a discerning spirit, which is paramount when it comes to relationships, you can see through the lie to the core of the problem—the absence of God's presence in their life.

It can be difficult to rebuild what dishonesty has damaged, especially if God isn't at the center of your marriage or relationship.

Lying puts a strain on relationships. It inflicts pain and causes damaging effects. Lying is harmful because it undermines the very foundation upon which a relationship is built—trust.

Once you lose trust, it can be hard for the relationship to ever be the same again. A relationship can go from good to bad overnight because of dishonesty.

Co-Characteristics of Integrity

Integrity has a number of co-characteristics including: honesty, authenticity, accountability, transparency, reliability, compassion, empathy, courage, respect, and fairness- all contributing to a person's ability to treat another person well.

A problem can arise when you realize your spouse lacks one or more of these characteristics, especially if you caught them red-handedly trying to betray you in some way.

I personally would rather face the consequences of the truth than to have to keep up a lie or remember what I've said to cover my tracks. Honesty is easier!

The Meaning of Integrity

Integrity is doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do, even when no one is looking. It is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles even behind your spouses back. It is essential for building trust and credibility in relationships.

Integrity in Marriage

A person who has integrity will not purposely lie to their spouse. They will not cheat. They will not pre-cheat meaning they don't text or talk to the opposite sex without their spouse knowing about it or approving of it.

They don't meet friends of the opposite sex or hang out without their spouse. They don't stare at other people's body parts or put themselves in a position to want to cheat. A person of integrity will do the right thing even when their spouse is not with them.

Integrity means acting in such a way that you have nothing to hide.

People who have integrity don't mind answering questions when something looks suspicious.

They don't get defensive when asked for accountability.

They don't hide their phone or block their spouse from their texts or private messages. They freely offer it to them at any time.

Integrity is behaving in a manner that, even if all your secrets were revealed, you could confront an accuser with a clear conscience. Someone with integrity can face judgment with an honest heart and clean hands.

If my spouse wants to look at my phone, it's always accessible to him, and he knows the password. I don't hide anything from him...

...except for my chats with my girlfriends, because, you know, we often serve as each other's therapists 🤪.

It all comes down to the fact that lies hurt.

Love doesn't ignore pain. If you've hurt your spouse, and you love them, you will also do what it takes to be open and honest with them about everything, so that the slate can be wiped clean. You won't tell half-truths.

Love doesn't ignore, it heals. Integrity in marriage is key.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3 summed up, says that no amount of good works or gifts compare to love. There is nothing a man can do or say that trumps an act of love.

That scripture also says that a person is nothing without love.

NOTHING—is a strong word!

This implies that regardless of your job, income, educational background, the size of your home, or the number of cars you own, without love, you are insignificant.

The Fix?

Acknowledge when your actions have caused someone else pain. Love does not ignore the situation hoping it will just go away. You can't ignore problems. Sweeping things under the rug just buries it, it doesn't make it better. The problem will always exist if you don't talk it through and accept responsibility.

If you've hurt someone, acting like their pain doesn't matter or exist is even more hurtful than the fact that you caused them pain to begin with. So you're piling hurt upon hurt.

Love is about doing your best to make things right and realizing and admitting where you went wrong. In order to wipe the slate clean, you must first be honest with your spouse about what you've done.

No half-truths!

Any discerning spouse knows when they have their spouses heart, and, when they don't. The honest thing to do is come clean, so you can both start over. Rebuild what you've broken down by being honest from now on, and do it all with God at the center of the relationship.